Hello, my name is Tess. I am 29 years young and a proud mum to Sebastian born in Feb 05. I have a wonderful partner, Elliott and share the care of his two beautiful daughters.
My story starts when I was very young. My mother had me when she was 16 and I feel she thought I ruined her life. My Nan and Pop helped care for me for the first few years then Mum found a man. Thats where my weight started to skyrocket. I was only about 4 years old at the time. I had always been a solid little girl going by old photos. But as soon as John came onto the scene my life was no longer my own. I look back and know he treated me like his Pawn.
I wont go into details, but not only from that day did I enter onto an emotional rollercoaster ride but I turned into a submissive toy for my step father. I am the survivor of incest, mollestation and rape. Not only did John do this to me, but he encouraged his sons to do the same. His friend knew what was going on and attempted the same but I got away. My mother made this go to court and I had to lie under oath that John did not touch me. Then much later, only a few years ago I was raped by a respected man of the community and fellow volunteer.
All my life I felt betrayed by my mother for allowing this to happen to me. I never felt loved by her until later in life when I started work and was able to give her money or buy her things she wanted. I later felt used.
I reached a point when I was only 8 years old that I decided I wanted to live with my Nan and Pop. This was a turning point for me. I still endured the holidays and was subjected to the same treatment as before but at least once the holiday was over I was free, if only for a while. I loved my Nan and Pop and over time really wished they were my parents.
My Pop died when I was 13 years old and I was with my Nan in the hospital when they took us into the room to see him for the last time. It was unnerving seeing my Pop lie there and not breathing. A little piece of me died that day.
My Nan and I became closer and closer, even though we moved closer to my mother. By now my Nan knew what had gone on and why I didnt want to live with Mum and John. I found out that John put the hard word on my Nan as well.
By the time I was 13years old I weighed 120kg. I was an emotional eater. I did not eat much, but when I was feeling down or upset I would binge. The Doctors suggested that I have my jaw wired but my Nan and I refused. I started on a whole range of diet pills that the Doctor would prescribe.
When I was in year 12 my Nan needed to move to be closer to better Doctors. She was sick all of the time and no one could tell us why. In my final year of school I had to live with a dear friend of mine and leave my Nan to go and live with my Mother almost 300km away.
I began feeling depressed. My Nan was my world. I began binging. My size was increasing so fast. I was wearing a size 24 - 26. I went to the pharmacy and bought some over the counter weightloss tablets called Medislim. I started off taking them at double the prescribed amount. I also started making myself vomit after each meal. I was feeling weaker and weaker. I was so sick I couldnt go to school. My Nan came to visit and saw the state I was in. I was taken to hospital and told I was bulimic. Bulimic while a size 26??? I couldnt believe it. I promised my Nan I would stop the tablets and stop binging and purging.
School was over and within a few months Nan was diagnosed with cancer of the lung. I deferred Uni and became her full time carer. No one could tell me how long I would have Nan. Nan and I lived by ourselves and I only got a day off about once every two months when my mum and uncle would take turns at looking after my Nan for a few hours. It was such a chore to them. They would hardly visit. They would tell me it was so hard for them to see their Mum going down so fast. What the??? I was 17 years old, and looking after my 73 year old grandmother because I didnt want her to go to a nursing home yet it was too hard for them. Nan was more of a mother to me then my actual mum.
Nan died 6 years to the day and hour after my Pop. I thought my life was going to end. I thought back to the previous month while Nan was at her worst. I remembered the pain she endured. I stayed with her as much as I could. I saw her hanging on. The night before my Pop's anniversary I told my Nan I would be okay and it was okay for her to go. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I had to give my Nan permission to die. The next morning the hospital rang me to tell me she had died.
I wanted to feel close to my Mum again and began staying with her a few nights a week. This is when John stuck his claws into me again. Why was I so weak?? This continued until I was 21 years old. At my brothers birthday party something happened and I just broke down. My relationship has never been the same with my family after that point.
I decided to write a journal of all the bad things I could remember to help me heal. But it turned to a point of revenge. I sent my mother a copy, and made sure it was delivered on her wedding anniversary. She came to visit me and told me I was the product of rape. All this yet a few years earlier she found my father and dressed up like a teenager to go meet him. My Nan had told me who my dad was years earlier, and also about my mother's promiscous history.
So, here we are, 8 years after that and I have had a few periods in my life where I would speak to my mother. But for the last three years I have spoke to her once when she rang me to tell me my brother had a little boy. I couldnt get off the phone fast enough. She has tried to relay messages through my Aunt and Uncle but I dont want to know about it.
This year when I had my baby I got a SMS from my cousin asking if I would let my mother ring. I said no. In my mind she gave birth to me, but what she allowed to happen in my life does not make her my mum. My Nan was my mum.
After Sebastian was born, there were a few medical problems with his health and mine. I was weighed 10 days after he was born and I was 192.7kg. I was so shocked. Just over three weeks prior I was 167kg. I finally got discharged from hospital but was not allowed to be alone or do anything. I became depressed and my weight ballooned. I will never know just how much I weighed, but I will make it my mission never to get that way again.
I had trouble breathing, I would wake in the middle of the night gasping for breath, the pain in my joints added to my depression and I was drifting away from intimacy with my darling partner.
I was watching a current affairs program and saw Bobby Ballantyne. She was a mother of 7 and weighed 238kg before she started Weight Watchers. It was then I felt that I could lose weight as well. I wanted to be healthy so I could be an active Mum to my son. I decided that I would begin eating healthy and if I could do this 100% for 3 weeks I would join Weight Watchers. I did not want to waste the money joining if I couldnt last a week.
So on the 12 May 2005 I phoned WW and joined the At Home programme. Straight after I rang up I rang around looking for scales that would weigh up to 200kg. They did not arrive for almost 2 weeks. I got my WW pack and began on the 18 May 2005. On the 26 May 05 I weighed 189.1kg. That was at least a 3.6kg loss. It was at that moment I knew I could do this.
I am now into my fourth week and have had a 7.2kg weightloss. I am very excited and very motivated to get to my goal weight of 75kg. I weighed that when I was in year 5 or 6.